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An History of the Yarmulke
AN HISTORY OF THE YARMULKE1
© Jef Raskin 1990
To Don Ososke, that he should get well. Better I should have made chicken
soup, but, nu, am I a cook?
Click on footnote numbers to see the corresponding footnotes.
Different cultures have regarded the hat as particularly susceptible to significant2
manipulation.3
In one it is doffed as a sign of respect, in another it is donned for exactly
the same reason. One is said to "tip his hat" in greeting and so forth.
While hats reportedly have some practical uses, they are basically totemic indicators
of status, wealth, occupation, or lifestyle. For example, in the American culture
of the late 20th century, a variety of hat was introduced that served principally
as a display of tribal colors and (often imagined) group affiliation.4
Among the Jews, a symbolic hat, the "yarmulke"5
is worn by males6
in a house of worship or at a religious ceremony. Among the observant7
it is also worn on the sabbath8.
Among followers of the reform movement, a yarmulke can often be found at the
bottom of the sock drawer, or along with old bar mitzvah photographs in a cardboard
box in the attic.9
In ancient times, the yarmulke was not worn10.
In the absence of anti-sex-discrimination laws, serious praying was limited
to men, who, being the same sex as God11,
had the edge in His eyes. Now it happens that men increase in wisdom with increasing
years, and so the best congregations were composed largely of older men. This
fact was to have a surprising and unexpected12
effect on the creation of the yarmulke.
At this point, we must focus13
our attention on the concept of a minyan, a term that is shortened from
the Latin "minimum" meaning "least size", and the word "yanish"
from Old Utter Gothic, which means "gathering."Just one person praying
is just one person praying, and two people praying might just be casual acquaintances
who happened to run into one another in the garment district on the lower East
side14
. Similarly, by the principles of pilpul15
we can reject the accidental assembly of three people (the acquaintances get
into a taxi and, voila, you have three people together, if you include the taxi
driver16),
four people, and so forth. But if you have ten17
people praying together, this didn't happen by accident, so it must have been
on purpose, and God likes people who do things with a definite purpose.
It is also known that whenever a minyan was gathered together, then God would
look down upon it with his shining countenance, to hear himself and his name
worshipped and praised and blessed over and over and over again.18
You should know that each minyan was led by a teacher or, as the Jews say,
a Rabbi, and Rabbis sometimes meet and choose among them a Rabbi of Rabbis.
This Rabbi of Rabbis was always a particularly wise and scholarly person well
versed in the ways of man and God. These Rabbis of Rabbis sometimes meet and
choose among them a Rabbi of Rabbis of Rabbis. This Rabbi of Rabbis of Rabbis
was always a particularly wise and scholarly person especially well versed in
the ways of man and God. These Rabbis of Rabbis of Rabbis sometimes meet and
choose among them a Rabbi of Rabbis of Rabbis of Rabbis. This Rabbi of Rabbis
of Rabbis of Rabbis was always a particularly wise, humble, and scholarly person
especially well versed in the ways of man and God. These Rabbis of Rabbis of
Rabbis of Rabbis met to discuss one or another difficult problem. And at one
of these meetings they argued the problem caused by the shining countenance
of God on their minyans. Since the best congregations were of older men, and
among certain of the Jews the prevalence of male pattern baldness is well known,
there was a distinct overabundance of cases of sunburn from God's beatific shining.
The discussion soon caused the council of Rabbis of Rabbis of Rabbis of Rabbis
to break up into four fractious groups19.
One group felt, more or less, that each person in the synagogue should be provided
with an umbrella; another decreed, in a number of versions, that crocheted,
knitted, woven, or felted black shawls should be worn over the head. A third
group violently opposed these as sacrilegious since the sunburn was seen variously
as a mark of God's favor, approval, blessing, love, or whatever.20
The fourth group wanted to hire a consultant (though they didn't agree on which
one) to prepare a report on the matter. On the TV news that night it was reported
that these violent disagreements would so fragment the Jewish religion and culture
that it would be soon swallowed up by the Babylonians or anybody else in the
neighborhood.
At that momentGod stepped in.21
He said:"Burn, schmurn. The real problem here is that my shining countenance
reflecting off your bald pates is blindingme. Stop arguing and I'll tell
you what to do. Listen. When you get together and start praising my name (which
is good), wear little hats, please. Just big enough to cover the shine in the
middle, OK? Otherwise I'll drown your whole planet, or something. Kapish?"
Since then, small dark-colored22
caps have been standard liturgical wearing apparel among the Jews.
Footnotes
1 - This scholarly work, even if I say so myself, can be best
described as Ur satz (from the German. "Ur,": means "original,
the source, very old, thorough, very" and "satz"which means "setting
or composing in type.") My detractors point to the other meaning of "satz,"
namely "a jump, leap, or bound" but that is mere jealousy speaking.
back
2 - By "significant" we scholars mean that it can
be used to signify, whereas mere uneducated people think that it means "important."So
there. back
3 - Please note that the first page is over 50% footnotes.
This is very scholarly and reflects well on my erudition. Good technical papers
always have a footnote ratio approaching 1:1 on the first page (which is all
most people read anyway, assuming they get that far). back
4 - Nominally called "baseball caps" they are actually
identical except for their color and inscription, and are all produced on the
same machine in Newark, New Jersey, . Only rarely have these caps anything to
do with baseball which sport stands etymologically condemned by the first syllable
of its own name, "base," meaning "low, vile, reprehensible, and
ordinary."Eventually, any writing that is too long to be placed on a "baseball
cap," or (if more space is absolutely necessary) on a bumper sticker, will
be beyond the reading ability of the American public. back
5 - Typically pronounced "Yamaka," (a rare occurrence
of both a silent "r" and a silent "l" in the same word)
it is never spelled that way since it would look too much like the name of a
Japanese motorcycle manufacturer. back
6 - See my paper, "Sexual Discrimination in Yarmulke Wearing,
A Brief for the Supreme Court," International Journal of Sociology and
the Law, Vol 324, No. 3. back
7 - In the old west (c. 1840) such observant people were used
as scouts since they could see significant things (see footnote 2) at great
distances. back
8 - All day, whether their heads are cold or not. This particular
portion of the custom probably started when their mothers told them to be sure
to wear their hats so they shouldn't catch cold. back
9 - This scattering of Yarmulkes in varied and unlikely places
is referred to as the "diaspora," from the Greek diaspora.
The Greeks also gave us Socrates, the Olympic games, and moussaka. back
10 - This is partly due to a change in the customs of the
Jews, and partly due to the fact that it hadn't been invented yet. back
11 - Known to be male until recent times, when radical feminists,
by way of distraction, brought up such questions as, "If God is male, then
what is the length of his significant member?"Please refer to footnote
2 with respect to the correct interpretation of "significant."back
12 - There is a subtle distinction between "surprising"
and "unexpected" to which the reader must carefully attend. back
13 - The focal length of a lens is related to its radius of
curvature and its index of refraction. I know that you think that just because
I am a sociologist this means I don't understand physics. Now you know better.
back
14 - We're talking the lower East side of Nineveh or Jerusalem
here. So you were thinking it was New York I was talking? No? Give me one good
reason I should believe you? back
15 - Pilpul is an ancient and superior form of logic. It tells
us that if you swear to something, then you must also swear that your fingers
weren't crossed when you swore to it, and then that you must swear that you
fingers weren't crossed when you swore that your fingers weren't crossed, and
so on. Except that they never say "and so on." back
16 - Taxi drivers come from Pakistan, Kenya, or Iran (personal
observation). back
17 - Professor H. Raegel says that ten was chosen since it
corresponds to the number of toes a person has, and since people went barefoot
in those days, it was a convenient number. However I think that people, however
ancient, knew enough to avoid being put into one-to-one correspondence with
anybody's toes. back
18 - See my article:"God as Narcissist", International
Journal of Sociology and Religion, Vol. 324, No. 3. back
19 - For two Jews to hold the same opinion on any subject
is anathema in the eye of God. back
20 - It leads to multiple myelomas (or is it malignant melanomas--if
you ask me, doctors can't tell the difference either) only if you violate one
of the commandments. back
21 - By the doctrine of Deus ex Machina. Now I've used
both Greek and Latin in my footnotes. Impressive! back
22 - See my article, "Is the White Satin Yarmulke an
Affront in the Eyes of God?" in the International Journal of Sociology
and Opthamololgy, Vol. 324, No. 3. back
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