A Swiss Tourist Guide
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- WHAT TO DO IN GENEVA (From the Honeur de Helvetica Guidebook)
- [This is a parody of guidebook style, not of Swiss culture. Of my various
vacation trips, my trip to Switzerland was my favorite. For comparison with
a description of a trip I did not enjoy, see Shanghied
To The Windward Islands.]
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- Museums
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- On your tour, briefly stop at the Vereinkunsthalle Bibliotek Museum (Musee de Chatel de Promenades) where there is only one exhibit, an hourly demonstration of the combined book-binding and straw broom making machine invented in 1841 by Count Oron Valais. (SF 14 admission, please have exact change) An unbound book is fed in from one end, and a broom handle of ash from the mountain passes is fed in from the other. A bunch of straw, wrapped in an unfinished piece of leather the size of a newspaper is introduced with great ceremony, accompanied by three young boys playing pipes. The pipers are chosen every year from the local Cantonschule fur Geheimlichdose. The machine makes a great deal of noise, and its six operators have much to do, so much that one wonders if the machine makes any contribution at all. At the end, you are shown a nicely bound book and a well-made broom, of the kind used by the Swiss to maintain their legendary cleanliness. Actually, now that you have read this thorough description, there is little reason to go.
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- Landmarks
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- The island of Chateau d'Tourisme (Gebrauchthaus der Grossidiots) is accessible only by boat, which is not permitted, except by local custom. Its magnificent panoramic mud flats harbor delicious small ibex with a local village (Leukerbadstimmt mit Linthal) and the famous "der kleine schnitzen gnatterie" (little flying biting insects). Most have fallen into a state of disrepair, though formerly they were at their best. Only open during the off season, neatly printed schedules of the infrequent return trips are available on the island, representing typical Swiss precision. During Cultural Week, the local canton sponsors undercover marmot pits, with full lederhosen. Squash originated here in 1788 and it was during the last ice age that a glacier could be found. The local people revel in this though outsiders find it a strange custom while enjoying the medieval castle that was the Duc d'Orleans' headquarters while he was in Spain. The island's mushroom-flavored wine is equally famous and easier to drink, as I, myself, found.
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- Restaurants
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- The Braye is as well known a restaurant as you are likely to find. The cuisine is complemented by a wine cellar whose selection is stored in a lost cave deep in the roots of the Alps. A combination of French indifference, Swiss efficiency, Austrian punctiliousness, and Italian chaos mark the service, the selection of herbs and seasonings, the seating, and the cleanliness of the kitchen, respectively. Sample those characteristic Swiss dishes; such as fondue, raclette, and rosti; but preferably elsewhere.
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- The Geneva Watch Factory
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- In the outskirts of Geneva is the little town of Tai-wan, where watches are made. At the factory, you can peer through a microscope at the tiny works of a modern electronic wristwatch. The guide will explain fascinating facts about these miniature marvels, such as what the mysterious letters I - N - T - E - L mean, and how the Swiss came to invent the transistor based on their ancient bell-casting tradition at the famous Bell Laboratories. Tours every two hours during prime tourist months (those divisible by only 1 and themselves, when the temperature is greater than zero).
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- Eating Disorders
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- Many visitors are interested in Swiss eating disorders. The central hospital has a wing devoted to patients exhibiting anorexia, bulimia, extreme obesity, and similar afflictions. The Swiss National Rail Pass will admit you at no extra charge. At the nexus of French, German, and Italian cuisines, to say nothing of the Swiss penchant for chocolates and pastries, the anorexic has the rare opportunity to avoid everything from hearty German sauerbraten from the North to delicate pasta with mussels from the South. The international organization, Members Overeating United To Health, like many international organizations, has its headquarters in Geneva. On national holidays and at other times they celebrate by sneaking huge bites of apfelstrudel and bundnerfleisch when other members are not watching. The oversize chairs one sees at outdoor cafes are a subtle Geneva welcome to members of M.O.U.T.H.
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- Sports
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- Until 1918, all ski races were performed in the natural order of things, with the contestants vying to reach the top of the mountain first. This is the true Swiss sport of alpine skiing. Since then, things have been going downhill. It was a Norwegian (of course) who first put on his bindings backwards so that his feet would not slip out the front of the skis. We tried to discourage the trend he started by making ski runs go down paths lined with trees, so that the slightest missed turn would end badly, but some skiers learned to turn at high speed. That was the end of Swiss alpine skiing. For the truly sedentary, there is Chard, a game where you try to toss a Swiss army knife into a fondue pot from a distance of 3 meters. No fair using the magnet blade.
- ©1998 Jef Raskin
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